Not A Fairy Tale Any More

Bluck Chalk Line

2006-07-31T00:03:00.000-07:00

I am happy.
I went on a bike ride today. Tripping

around my neighborhood in the dark,

going under the scary safety net

arbor of the trees. I turned onto a

road I have never been down before,

thinking about the unnamed fears that

have been trying to pick at my

emotional balance to throw it into

scary mode. I looked down....

Blue Chalk.
Fourth Grade hand writing.

I am happy.

I am Happy.

A crack in the street is coursing

through the blacktop in a squiggly blue line. A path way. A way to step. It ends in the middle of the street with nowhere else to go. i think about the millions crackways in the gravel that it or her or they have to choose from to contiune the path.

I am Happy.

At that moment in time, that little

girl...a girl repeated, but never the

same...was feeling happy. Not on

that...She WAS Happy. You can become

the embodiment of half the balance.

I wonder what her happy felt like. I

imagine the smile and giggles she had

as she wrote that.

I think about footsteps

backward...feeling the emotions tied

to the memories of times like that

for me. The wonderment I had at the

markings I made..knowing they were

secret shared feelings...

I think about footsteps forward...

Tiny footsteps. Baby steps..so

gratifingy. Work on patience.

Me.

Happy.

I am happy.

Dreams: Fear (Part One)

2006-04-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

There is a reason that I have been a self-imposed insomniac for the past week and a half. Night mares.

Terrible things that I have had visions of before....It brings fear into my mind to even think of it .
I don't want to be afraid enough to not deal and defeat the things in these dreams, but I am not usre what they are. So I decided to ask for help.

Help, you guys. Tell me your impressions, similar expirences and anything you can think to say. I dreamed last night of talking with Jaya and Gaea about them and then entered into the dream. I woke up in a sweat not remembering what went on.

Both nightmares take place in an old abandonded house in basically the middle of nowhere. It's a two story and quite shabby looking if not dilapadated. The first dream is in the upstairs room. Inside the house is dark and dank, with a putrid smell wafting through the air. I come into a room and in the center is the most grotesque creature of gluttony. I was reminded of it when I watched Slither, but it mostly resonates from what I saw when I tripped at White Sands. In fact it is almost one in the same. All over the room is trash, but the focus point is the glutton. It does not have an apparent gender. It's hair is falling out, and some of it's face is falling off. It's skin is either falling off it's body, or so swollen that it looks dead.

But that's not the worst.

The most terrifiying thing to me is the basment. The walls are made of mud, blood, and infants. Still born, aborted, but all trapped. They were literally rolling in the walls. Their soundless screams are haunting.

It's not as though I am brought forcefully to that place. It's not as though I am forced to stay, I just can't leave.

Help me you guys.

I have been avoiding sleep even though I don't have it every night. But even thinking about it, tempts fear in me. I was driving to a freinds the other night and the thought of it sent me into a panic attack. I reached out for the thought of something to hold onto, and worked myself out of the fear with that. Calming that was hard to do. I am happy right now and proud of myslef. I am happy with where my path is taking me, and I am happy with the realizations and implements I am using. So i don't know.

Just help.

Life is like a big Papasan of Raspberries

2006-04-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

I have:

Raspberries in my mouth that burst with flavor.
A massage chair to sit on that is vibrating most wonderfully.
Wine to sip on that leaves spicy flavor on my tounge, a tingle to my lips, and a flush to my skin.
Thoughts circling in my head.
Contentment in my heart.
The curves and swells of my body that always pleasantly surprise me.
Eyes to gaze at vibrant color.
Ears to hear the beat of the drum echoing through the warm air.
Skin to feel the delicious caress of soft cotton and cool glass.

And it feels so good.

* Just got back from my trip. I was at Gaea's drinking wine and giving myself a papasan happy night. Oh, the joy of indulgence. (02/19/06)

Kasbah: Glowing Bright

2006-04-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

This year, a death was celebrated. Many of us brought in 2006 with a ode to our home and Curch, commemerating the ngiht with a last hurrah, pop, and burn. Everyone of us has spent countless hours talking (or ignoring each other while being consumed by the creative outlet of the free wireless interent) and drinking bottomless cups of coffee, while smoking an army's worth of cloves and ciggarettes. We all love Mojo's Daily Grind.

But Mojo's light didn't burn out on New Year's Eve. Instead, the flame just flickered in transition to a new fire-form.

The new place is called Kasbah. It is named after the huts in Morocco made of sand, that apparently just wash away. The symbol, two crecent moons in oppostie face that are peirced by a thin line, comes from the original Morrocan mountain tribe, the Berber, and means "Free Man". A good symbol for the light of the new place.

Kasbah has a great feel to it. It definatley still has the chill community vibe that Mojo's had, but it's most apparent new fetaure is the new kind of eccletic that it exudous. No longer, specifically Austin ecceltic, but glowing bright in the Morrocan vibe.

I love it.

The Technologically Adverse and Challenged.

2006-04-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

Damnit. I lost and enitre fucking post. I thought Blogger was loyal. It saves your shit. But no. I lost my enitre fucking post I did on the last three weeks.

Why, Oh why? What did I ever do to technology to make it so adverse to me?

On The Trip, Jaya summed it all up. I have someform of static electircity that emanates from me to destroy everything from cars (not just mine, I have had many expirences), computers, ipods, telephones, cellphones, lighters,cups (I have a designated sippy-cup at several places. At least I know how to get wine stains out.), and even to the point of glasses. (I have broken every pair that I ever had...or had them ripped off my face at camp. But those were amazingly bend-able.)

Maybe I should just live in a cabin with kerosene lamps, and a feather quill. But then again, the cabin would probably catch on fire and in my run to get out I would stab myself in the eye with the quill.

I need a cave.

Choice

2006-04-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

I could be a bitter, jaded woman.

But I'm not.

I could act oblivious to the universe. Ignore my sight, and dwell in the squalor of a depression onset by my self-loathing.

But I won't.

I choose to be happy.
I choose to pursue.

I won't fall.

I'll stay.

*Feb 23

Internet Safety

2006-03-31T13:31:00.000-08:00

You want to know something. I think that the whole idea that in High Schools around the Us, in order to protect and keep our kids and teens from the horrors of the Intenet, we have to set up a block system. It's not like we are teaching our kids about computers, and that a good 3/4 of them can find the easiest way around it. When I was in high school, which was all of 3 years ago, we used to just Google the website, and get to it through the internet cache. The even geekier kids, would do something called 'pinging', which I could do but never really got the hang of.

Obviously though, in the Austin ISD system, they have a scewed concept of what is dangerous and what is not.

You see I just got this new job, working for a woman with Cerebral Palsay. She works with kids inspiring them and teaching them how to use communication devices. So I spend alot of time either in the car or at her office, which is located at an AISD school. And it's odd what I can access.

You can get:
ill will press - A webiste with a Neurotically Insane squirell that rants. ( I even sing the squirell song to her.)
Blogger - Which is great because it allows me to get on an write, but it is still a chat and sometimes profanity ridden realm.
Slam-A-Jam - Which is just odd.

But not:
Livejournal - Which is the same as blogger. Go figure.
Myspace - Because of chat. And slutty 14 year olds.
GettyImages - A perfectly safe website that has any kind of Picture you want. It's art.

I don't get it.

What's Under Your Mattress?

2006-03-31T13:13:00.000-08:00

I am the Queen of Weird. Yes. That's right. Me.

SO:
I'm spastic. I'm fantastic.
I'm the pea under you mattress
And I'm here to stay.

Geo-Visitors

2006-03-23T15:34:00.000-08:00

My friend John showed me this website on his Myspace (godsDamn the Addiction of Crackspace!), and I now have it on this blog and Myspace {Which I made all pretty and as soon as I can find a good teaching program for HTML and other coding online I will make it beautimous on my own}. Basically it just logs where all the I.P addresses are that visit your specific site. And even better it uses that wonderful program, Google Eath, to zoom in and see the landscape.

The odd thing is that John and I have noticed that every day there are two visits from the Washington D.C area although neither of us know anyone there. So keep a look out and if you get those, let me know.

Enjoy.

Honorable mention to Will for helping me figure out how to get the little sucker on there. Free hugs to anyone who can help me get it only in one spot.

O, the joy of the internet and free material!

2006-03-05T16:33:00.000-08:00

Open Content.org is another greate resource for finding free education materials, from various institutions of higher education, such as MIT, Utah State, Tufts, and so on. Take a class, learn something new, just explore what is available — there is so much here!

Just use their course finder to see what is available in your areas of interest.

Healing.

2006-03-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

Healing hands.
Current mood: awake

I had possibly the worst migrane last night that I have had in two years. I can feel them coming on days in advance. I had expected this one to come sometime two weeks ago, but never got it. This confused me. It's never more than a couple of days before I get them after I know they are coming.

Let me describe what happens:

I see a certain pattern of lights usually in the right peripheral of my right eye. Usually directly before this an odd pressure builds on the base of my neck, working it's way up to the right side of my head. This can last up to a few hours and generally leaves me very sensitive to sound. Just before the migrane starts it initial pain disturbance I become very sensitive to smells and get a feeling I can only describe as 'feeling the inside of my head'. Then my brain begins to pulse and ebb and my eyes to tingle. The first migrane I ever had actually gave me a vision of a time to come while I slept, although not all of these painfilled times do.

This migrane, almost came on my trip with Jaya, we had just left El Paso and the pressure started getting to me. I popped two advil and let Jaya drive to Alamogordo so that I could pass out. I didn't want to get a migrane while on my trip, as I had never been on one before I didn't really know what to expect. I was awakened for a Border Patrol Excursion about an hour later and knew that the migrane would not rear its ugly head.

But, yesterday I went to camp. The fresh air filled with love revitalized and gave me a fix that was direly needed.

And on the way home it hit. With out warning. I drove for two hours on a virtaully abandoned road. At first I wanted to by pass it, to take some meds and knock myself into the oblivion on sleeping pills. I just wanted to curl up and leave my body to do it due. But I am sick of drugs. I am sick of putting things in my body that have side-effects. Things that are pinpointed to help one ailment, but may cause another. So I decided to deal with it.

I started with laying down. I relieved my body of all encumbering clothes, because with my migrane my even my highented sensitivity to touch and temperature can be grossly upped. (If I ever have a migrane in your presence, and you want to help, don't touch unless you know I haven't hit that point. Especially not my face or neck. My ex-boyfriend made the mistake of doing this once and I nearly cried. But those are only the most powerful and I haven't had that in a while.) I let myself focus on where the pain was, all its little roots and tendrils that seemed to be flowing over my brain. The pressure was immense. This kind of migrane can usually be aided my a pressure massage on the base of my skull, however it requires another person. Once I knew where the pain emanated from, I started with the tendrils. I used the pressure points that M.C.M had taught me, and began to snip at the tendrils. Amazing. It was working. But cutting the tendrils seemed to put the pressure that was relieved back into the central point of focus. More pressure, more pain. (I have have said before that when I get migranes at times it feels like my head may implode/explode and that all I can do is squeeze my head) I knew that I need to focus. I could feel the pull of disorientation, and it's lull away from the pain. I could feel my hold slipping as every pulse of my heart created more pressure.

I held on. I rode the waves of pain.

I knew that I had to focus somewhere else. I chose my hands. I knew that I could not use my eyes. No, that's wrong. I was afraid to open them, the pain linked with visuals would be too much. I focused on my hands and let them begin to take the pulsing away, I placed them over my eyes. Not physically. I just put them there. I don't...I can't describe. The pain slowly ebbed. I pushed myself, deeper and away from the residual pain, and into the land of sleep.

I didn't use drugs and I made myself better.

Temple.

2006-03-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

My body and I have never been friends. All my life it has tried to push me out, and it reacts to my spirit and mind with tiresome aches and symptoms. My mind, out of its misconnection, has even tried to eradicate it.

So, in order for me to exist in it, I know noe that I must treat it as a temple. It is the only way for me to show it that I can not only co-exist with its silly little physical 'limitations', but I can prepare it to exceed those.

I am proud of my stature, now. I know what I like about my body. I love it in its entirety. I can send my eyes down the curve of my shoulder down to the tips of my toes, and love the never ending supple curves of it. Oh, lordy, was I made to curve. There is no doubt in my mind now that I can love it enough so that it will treat me well.

I have taken a step that allows me to be in love with this silly little physical body, so that my mind may take my leave of it and my spirit can soar.

You see, my sensitivity in body is incredible. I used to be annoyed at it, and it can certainly be annoying for pain, but to feel the way that I am able to is a gift. I can feel the slightest wind tickle the back of my neck, a fingernail down my spine will send me reeling and writhing. This must be the conncetion of spirit. It is the life force of energy that courses through me.

And so I start the quest, to connect my mind and spirit further to my body, as they must come back to visit it as a temple from the world of dreams.

I am cleansing my body
my mind
and my soul
and becoming the whole
essence of me.

Oddities of Us.

2006-03-03T15:48:00.000-08:00

People have been giving me cigarettes. It's odd how us somkers aid in the continuation of others addictions, because we know all to well what the withdrawl can be like.

Here's the thing, I can't smoke at work. I'm either in school zones ALL day or I'm in the car. So, be five o'clock I get a bit crazy sometimes. I know what it's like.

Back to the point. Sarah last night bought me cigarettes in trade for an abstract drawing from me. I don't do absract. I draw conceptual or things that I see in general. I never just draw with the raw emotion that comes with abstract. So I sat down and watched Mona Lisa Smile (More on that great movie later) and drew. Alot. I came away with at least three abstracts and one conceptual. Not to mention completing my goal of getting covered in chalks, pastels, and oil pastels.

LOVIN' IT!

Anywho. I also got over my frustration with my drawings. There are times when I cannot finish a drawing simply because I am frustrated with it. But a thought occured to me. I know how to let it be what it is, so I just let the art flow through me.

Again. More on that later...

I get to go to CAMP tomorrow. I am so excited. Colleen emailed me to make sure that I was coming and gave me enticing incentive with some yummy new recipes to try out. Although they are not veggie-eater freindly usually, I love her cooking. The woman even does brussel sprouts well. Not to mention that the entire family and I MADe Thanksgiving dinner together. OMG. That was so good. And I have never cooked for thankgiving. Ever. O made the sweet potatoes. They were a pride and joy.

I may only be getting to go out for one day, but I get to go home. The place that I can be where there is so much love flowing through the air that you can taste it. Although that is easy because of how fresh it is out there.

This brings me to an announcement. I am starting a new blog. I have terrorized people with my camp stories/behavioral management knowledge/medical knowledge/etc. long enough. It's time to write it all down. It's going to be called 'Blood, Sweat, and Tears' after the converse shoes that I got this summer so that I could go a summer without spraining something running in the middle of the night after escaped Nate Kellog (Stories to come). And I just really wanted some cons. These shoes really do have blood, sweat and tears on them, and not from just me.

So get ready everybody.

It'll be up and runnning soon.

Updates

2006-03-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

Okay.

SO I really just can't make myself write right now. I don't know why. I think my head is to cloudy. I have alot of ideas to write about, a lot of inspiration based writing, and a new blog to start. Jaya started a Landlore: Wayfayers blog. The road has stories for him. SO I decided to tell all the stories in my head. My camp sotries. The new Blog will be called Blood, Sweat, and Tears after my camp shoes. So that's all I have to say.

My Women

2006-02-20T19:11:00.000-08:00

We are women
Strong and full
We are women
Holding are own
We are women

I thought that it would be interesting and fun if I took a cue from Gaea and played around with My 'Top 8' while Tom still won't let us more than eight friends in our visibl especturm. I decided that since as of late I have been exceptionally blessed with such wonderful female freinds (The Best I have had since high school and closer than them) that I would acknowledge them.

Andromeda (aka Gaea) - Watch out! Gaea is a great and powerful woman with a mind and presence to match the soul that drives her. Piseces is the perfect definition for her and she has the power to give you "THE EYE". She has a tendency to say to me "Woman, what am I going to do with you?" Well, I don't know. But I do know that I have a designated 'Sippy cup" for my wine at here place. Damn straight.

Leeann - This woman is...well...she's a fellow cancer. I have met her before, and am lucky enough to get to hang out with her and her daughter Elizabeth Azrael. She and I have an odd connection and tend to trade dreams.

Hekate - (aka Katie) - Katie is a mother of twins, an writer, and a witty word-morphing goddess. As I live with her, she holds a very specail place in my heart, because as I watch her grow in mother hood I love her more and more. We have a series going, 'As the Pea Turns', as soap opera of the hilariousity that goes on. A common phrase is "What?" or "You never explain your self."

Jill - Not only is this woman incredibly similar to me, but she shares my birth name. Although we are incredibly similar, she contrats me in so many ways. She becomes at times my outside source of freindly logic and balance....and we can understand. I love this girl for her mind, body, and spirit.

Chyenne (Aka Acid Fairie) - She'll dose you.. She'll bite you. She'll stick her head down my shirt. She's simply complex, and firey. Total pyro. Yet she incites in me and excitement that I am trying to embrace. She's my muse.

Supa - I haven't been talking with Supa that long, and have never met her in person, but how she writes, so honest and true as well as the incredible drive and intelligence factor that I see there amazes me. She's fun to joke with and in all seriousness I can't wait to get to know her better.

Sarah - (aka Squeaks) - She squeaks. I snort. What can I say? Sarah is the theatre person. She is well spoken and artsy. She finds love in the things that she does. She is silly and funny, and I'll give her five large snorts.

And that's not eight. I love all these women, because they are the range o women. They are all fucking gorgeous. They are all smart.
We are what women should be. Women.

Important Question

2006-02-20T12:44:00.000-08:00

I have a job right now. A good one. But I am going to have to leave it to go to Burning Man and the Trakking htat I plan to do before and after. I really didn't think about it, but I just randomly Chekced Craigslist last night and found this:

We are looking for a private teacher for our 8 year old son who will travel with us throughout Thailand Aug '06 thru Jun '07. Alternative educational system (i.e. Primary Montessori or Int'l Baccalaureate PYP) education / experience / training a plus. You will be responsible for the entire year four (grade 3) education of our son. Other duties will include occasional baby sitting. In return we will pay your transportation, room and board plus modest local salary. Most of the year will be spent on the islands and beaches of Thailand.If you like air conditioned hotel rooms and daily hot showers this is not the job for you, but if you like meeting the citizens of the world, seeing the some of the most incredible sites man and God have created on this earth and enjoy sun, surf and Thai cooking, this is the job for you.

It sounds awesome. The teaching system is one that I had never heard of before and after reasearching it a it have found that it would be one that I could not ony get fully behind, but would look super on a resume. The family emailed me back this moring telling me that it would be possbile to leave in September 06' and Return in May or June '07. That is perfect. I don't know if I would have internet access, but there is always mail. And I dn't know whether I would want to be away from my friends that long. Not knowing the language would be interesting and liit y contact with people, but it would be fun to learn. And it would be good for me in general.

Also, there is the whole school thing. I know that I have something to do in this life and I know that I love working with kids. That means to actually be able to do it I need to get a degree. I hate that. There is not one ounce of want in me to really go to school. I don't like the stress that is linked with it, and although that can be virtually nullyfied from coding, it is not the kind of learning that I like. I like to be able to learn at my own pace and in the way that I need to learn. I have not met many teachers past middle school who can teach me the way I need directly. And although I want to do correspondence courses in the fall, because I do want to get a degree, I'm not sure how it would pan out.

So what do you think?

Hello world....

2006-02-09T22:06:00.000-08:00

I brought me into this world, and I intend to stay.

Music - Hello World - Squeaky Clean Featuring Karen O.

A Night Of Glowing Flows

2006-02-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

Last night surrounded by nine wonderful friends, inspired by the feeling of my entire body being flowing water, and not able to contain the thoughts, images, and happiness in truth in my head....I decided to write. And was greatly encouraged. I have never had a better trip than this. With the flowing of myself, surrounded by open arms, inspiring music, and free love, I could not have imagined a better way to spend countless hours (Because after daylight there was NO time). I love you guys. A lot.

--------------------------------------------
Water Flowing Through

I start as an even flow
and it grows and grows and grows
and everything around me
everything I see
comes into me to make me, me
With the I am in the center
the world spinning 'round
I become the tree of life
blossoming strong with hope and love
breaking off the dead branches
relinquishing them in the fire to burn
as the world turns turns turns
every step I take towards infinity
puts me closer to serenity
the end and the beginning
balanced as one
I am nothing, I am one
--------------------------
Gifts

Love your body
For in it lies the gift of life
Sight
Touch
Breath
Soul
Just breathe
For in the air there is joy, breathing deep, relish the gift of life.
In earth a harvest is reaped, cycles of life and death, dancing in time and space to the pulsating beat.
Past, Present, Future in Prometheus' Flames, warming the earth with fire, destroying without discretion, life and death in one flame, shining in the eyes of The Mother.
There is a source of life in flowing water, taste the sweet clarity, refresh your soul, and cleanse, smell the fragrant Essence of spirit, let the aroma draw you in.
In living beings, man or myth, there lies a power within. A burning heart-fire, the connection between life and the stars, an endless well, touched only by a league of awakened dreamers, full of strength.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(I have no idea when I wrote this or where the Inspiration came from...Yeah.)

A band of brothers
is coming soon
awakened Dreamers
Gathering under the moon
Sharing vision
Dark and light,
They bring balance through the night
Gods Incarnate
Souls Old and New
Coming together to balance the tides
Healing the earth
The spirit of man
watching the sands of time
they have met before
and will meet again
until all is one
and one is none
--------------------------------------------------
Some Self- Truth

This is glorious. The whole truth to me about self-beauty and self-love comes down to this: When you love yourself, you body for one, `it becomes perfect to you. And the more you love it and take care of it, the more love you put into yourself and what you do and say, the more beautiful light you shine. That is my purpose. As a mother, a daughter, a friend, a lover. A teacher, a student. A metamorphisizing butterfly, a flowing waterfall, a dancing water-fae. I am a mother because I have the enormous capacity to love when I see my beauty, so when I love my self entirely, a bottomless well of love is possible. I know that on the other side of that is a bottomless well of negative, filled to the brim with the self-hate and loathing, but the more I grow in loving myself, the more the well of negative is emptied, either by making the useless thoughts go away or coming to love a part of me that I chose to ignore or hate before. And all that does is fill more and more the well of good. Bucket by bucket, hand full by hand full, I will pour into myself. I will reach oblivion and revel in the creation. I am traveling with my slow steps from the beginning to the end, I am flying back to my heaven on wings. Wings made of truth, light, and love, iridescent with the glory of my heart-fire.
------------------------------------------------------------
Carnal

There is a forest in my eyes
Dancing with the lights of fae
Frolic with the babbling brook
Singing Beauty with the birds and air
twisting with the breeze
Spinning and turning
following the music of the forest
willingly entrapped
I am a cycle of life
I am of the earth

Water running over my skin
the smoothed stones beneath my feet
standing under a torrent of water falling from the land above
pounding in my ears
beating into my skin clean and anew
I am the flow
I am the crystal clear giver of life
I am made of water`

Fire burning from within
heat growing in my body and soul
Gazing into the flickering flames
Rising to the ancient will
Hearing the beat of ancestral drums
Moving my body to the pulse of passion
Carnal dance
Worship of Old
I am the burn
I have danced to the Ancient Pulse
I am of the fire

Wind whipping through my hair
Enveloping me in the breath of earth
Pushing me higher 'til I weigh nothing and am alone
Wisps of air grace my lips to awaken me from The Sleep
Breath of Life
Revived again
I begin to live
I ride the winds of time
--------------------------------------------------------
My Mad World

Beautiful tiny little learning me
powerful strong clear me
winged one in my dreams
falling through the river over the waterfall again and again and again
bringing myself to the edge and taking the plunge
deep into the depths of the River I
sinking, pushing to the bottom,
chilled to the bone
and alone
the deeper I go
the more I expand
across the land and sea
through time and space
now, then, and far away
until everything is inside me
and I am in everything
I know all
and
I know nothing
I am
but only me
--------------------------------------------------------
Pull The Curtain?

everything has beauty
grotesque and glorious
The heaven we strive for and the hell we create
when all that is needed is a step through the curtain
to see the light in a world full of dark
the colors are vivid
and everything becomes clearer
the air smells pure
and your eyes seek to see all there is
----------------------------------------------------
Union

Passion burning bright
As the stars in heaven
Tiny points of flame and soul sitting in an ever expanding space
Exploding until the end of time
Stars unite, imploding with cosmic energy
Touching and merging, in a single infinite moment
Bursts of ripples
Shot into Space, void of time
In a frozen moment
the instant of eruption
ecstasy in union
soul and mind
entangled in two sharing bodies
glorious in touch
-------------------------------------------

Waking Dream

In my sight
an ashen tree grows
white as bone,
the first from the heart-fire seeds
original tree
a holy grove
Stone tablets hidden, ancient from the start of starts
A mythic river, forever old
running there beneath
The age-old tale passed down for the end of time forgotten
As truth had fallen farther than myth
Only remembered in the eyes of Dreamers
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Blood Of The Mother

Sacrifice all your gods
blood running from stone blade
Pulsing from the wrist
Blood of the earth cascades
She cries in pain
for the loss of life
Humanity begins to wane

Can we save Our Mother Earth
Return blood to vein
Or do we choose to ignore her worth
And watch her dying breath reclaim
All that she has given us
Life and Love and Will
The blood is pouring from her wounds
The sands of time are draining still
But Time enough to begin anew
To reap where we have sown
And treat the Mother True

2006-02-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

I am searching for who I am
Can you answer me that?
No one but I.
You are wrong.
The voice with which I speak is mine
You are not of me
Created by me
The past
But not of me and not wanted
Then why am I still here
You cling with your posion
But here is my first step an anitdote
A No.
You cannot have my mind you see
I create own reality
without you I will exist
You cannot block my thoughts
You will not put me back to sleep
I will continue to open my eyes
cleansing them with tears or light
belief in my sight
belief in my world
that I create
assumtions lost
only facts remain
and you are only that
an assumption
But you make me real
No. You are not.
Then what am I?
I don't know.
Yes you do.
Tell me.
I am your fear. I am your uncertainty. I am doubt. I am illusionment.
Why can I not see my self?
Becuase you choose not to. You are afraid. You cannot see into the looking glass.

Then you should. If I cannot, can you see yourself for what you are?
No.
I think you can.
I have no image. Only you can see me.
Others can see you when I am afraid. They see my reservation. I can feel you. I can touch you. I can poke and prod. I can put you in a box. If I can, then you can. I want you to look in the mirror. I want you to see yourself. If you see yourself in the mirror, then you will have to face yourself.
Just like you.
Yes. But I am real. You are only a feeder. You are real if I make you real. Look in the mirror. See yourself.

I can't.
Why not?
I am afraid.
Of what?
That I don't exist. That I am not real.
And?
Of what I look like. Of what I am.
Then all the better for you to look.

Your sight is not real. Did you know that? You imagine the things that you see. The light, the dark, the heaven, the hell, the fate and chaos.
But it is.
How do you know?
I know. Because I believe. That in itself creates my reality. Look in the mirror.
You first.
Do you think that I am afraid to?
Are you?

Yes. But I know what I will see. I will see the good and the bad. I will see them balance. I will see what I choose to. When I look I will have to accept me. I will see the beauty. The eyes. The soul. I will see joy and sorrow. I will see my heaven. I will see the choice to have my hell wash away. And I will take it. I will see MY Beauty. I will see MY Power. I will see MY choice. These will be MY reality. you do not know what you will see. Or do you? Will you see what I see in you when you cannot cloud MY eyes? Yes.
and what is that?
Look in the mirror and you will see.
i want You to tell me.
First I see what you want Me to see. I see a safety. Someone who opens their arms to protect me from harm. It lulls me, tempts me to step forward into silence of thoughts, and soul, to live what I know to be a muted existance. I know that I could stuff my ears and close my eyes, but I would still want to see past the safety net. And that is when it hits. I know the lie. I watch as the glow of safety melts off of your skin and you become a monster. And then I become scared. I struggled in your arms when I saw that. And you tried to sooth me with your voice and scream at those who would help me pull away. And then it blurrs. Somewhere I kicked you with a strenth I had long forgotten. Or had reliquished to you in this life. I wrenched back into me the strength you had sapped and you were weak. You are weak.
But you let me grow again.
I did. Your voice was still soothing. In one ear it sounded like nails screeching down the chalkboard, in the other it sounded like soothing nothing. you see, I could not look in the mirror. There was residue left from you. I could not break all the lies that you had told me. Or I could. And I can. But I was afraid. So you gained power. Because I was teetering. I could see the flow. I could see the energy or the world, I was empathtic to its energy. But I could not understand it fully. And lies told me that I could not. I let ME lie to MYSELF. I told myself that I could not understand. I told myself that I had not the power, the will, the beauty, the energy. But I do. Everything I say to myself becomes MY own reality. And in my reality, do you know what I believe most right now?
What?
THAT I AM GOING TO FIGHT you.
Fighting will make me stronger.
Clawing at you will.
Then how do you intend on fighting, little one?
Show you the line. I am going to show you balance.

You won't.
I will.

I will show you things you do not want to see. I will show you things that you do not want to remember.
Those are only my imagination. That's all memories are. That's all the past ends up as. Time is in our minds. I can see the Future sometimes. But I cannot know it. I can see the Now. And I can remember the past.
I will show you the Future.
I do not want to see the future through your eyes.
But mine are the ones that can see it.
you can only imagine. That is what you have had me doing. Worrying. That is all you can show me. you have no power there.
Then I will make you body weak. You will not have the energy.
you can try. No. I just gave you power in that. I see it when you flex now. I spoke against myself.
That makes you weak.
No. You cannot try. I have an agreement with my body. As long as I take care of it, I can stay in it. There is no room for you.
You will loose your balance.
Possibly. You are loosing yours. Shall I blow some more? Would you like to know what I see right now when I look at you? I see a shriveld angry little monster darting about from corner to corner, crevice to crevice, planting seeds. A fear-feeder.
That is in your reflection too.
No. It is not. I do not see me when I look in you. The reason you see that is because you want to be inside of me. You believe that if you see yourself inside of me it overrides my power to not see you. Now look at yourself. See what is in your eyes.

NO.

You are now a little child in my eyes. Can you see that you are only here by a thread? Can you see that you ....
You do not have the energy to continue. You will fail.
Little gremlins and their lies. My body might stop, but you no longer have power in my mind and I have the ME to go on.
You are low.
Can you see yourself cowering in the corner? Are you ready? Because I am going to look. And do you know what I will see when I get there and Open my eyes. I will see me. Physically, Spirituallly, and mentally. I am going to make an agreement to love the way that I look. In any clothing, at any time, state, or place physically. I am going to make an agreement to
YOU WILL SEE ME.
No. I won't. Because you are not inside me. Not a Part of ME. You are a Feeder. I am going to make an agreement to see the light, the fire, the energy that I have. I am going to make an agreement to harness that. I am going to make an agreement that in each moment I will be the person that I am striving to be, and accept myslef. In that I will grow.

Are you ready? Because I am going now.

*Written January 12th

Nothing at all.

2006-02-07T23:07:00.000-08:00

Who am I?

Simple truth?
I have no clue.
At this moment I don't know at all. I have all the past that I have been through, those emotions, and reactions, but that is all that I have to base it on. That only creates me up to this point.
And if none of that matters, then what of me does that leave.

I am nothing.

I could say that I have lived my entire life up to this point for nothing. The things that I have done, felt, and said have no matter. That leaves me with no fucking clue who I am.

That's nasty.

I have to post this with no care or idea of what other are going to think. Why do I care what people think if I am lost? I don't know. Stop searching. Just know. Knowing is half the battle. Blah de fucking blah. I could dismiss that. I am not weak. I am not fucking weak. I get afraid in the face of weakness. I get afraid and that makes me want to run. But why not run head first into fear. Isn't there something on the other side. Is what is on the other side what I am afraid of.

When I try and think about myself, there is nothing. Why is that? Because I do not choose to know myself. Why not? Because I might see something I don't like. So what? You can choose to accept it, learn from it and change it or you can choose to ignore it. How can I use my fear to my advantange? Can you use fear to your advantage? Yes. I can use anything I want. But I don't want to use fear. I want it to go away. I gues that I have to learn from it first.

Readiness. Desire. Fear. Need. Want. Things that hold me back. Things that cloud. Things I can use to my advantage or things that can make me suffer. My choice. Moment by moment I have to make a choice. It has to be conciouss in every second till it is nature.

I don't understand all of this because I don't know it. When it is known, it is understood.

*Jan 18th

Life Updates

2006-01-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

I figured it's time for a real update.

I quit the Club. Yes, I am no longer the angry jaded-against-men waitress that I was becoming. OH, all right. It never went that far. But I have to tell you...I was this close. Anyway, I gave a big 'Dane Cook' "FUuuuuck You! to Perfect Ten Men's Club. I am so glad to be free of that place. I was never a party animal in the first place, (although I will take credit for being a party-er) but doing things like walking into screen doors at Mephie's parties twice in a row are not past me...I swear to God I was sober for one of those!), and truly that wasn't my fault. I just neglected to see the sign that said with a skull and crossbones "These WILL FUCK you UP." My bad.
Any who.
I am now in the search for a job and have prospects to go back into Special Needs Caregiving. I never wanted to do anything like flipping burgers, but then no one ever does. Right now I just want to get back to what I am good at, what I have been doing since I was twelve, Caregiving. I started doing special needs work right before I turned 15. And as soon as I started I did it all the time. Every spare moment in school. And now I have this chance to go back to it. With one on one work. ISN'T IT EXCITING! At this point I am only nervous about it. But with a newly vamped resume, I think I could get this.

Life. Let's talk about it. I have no idea where it is taking me at the moment. Coming to Austin has been the best change I have ever made in my life. I am not prepared for everything the universe potentailly had to throw at me at the moment, but then nobody ever is. I am not satisfied with where I am at, which only makes me want to go farther. That is a new concept I am rolling around. Need, and how it clouds things. Desire and wants. Beliefs and knowledge.

My dad wants to come and see me. My hero. The other day I was totally stressed out..and when I turned my phone back on, there was a message waiting from him. He knows sometimes when I need some love. And he is always ther to give.

My art: I have charcoals. I have charcols. Did I mention I have charcoals. You have no idea. A sketch pad each in small, medium, and large, a set of charcoals, access to Cheyenne's ink, oil pastels, and other pretties. And my body paints. I am only low on white. Oh, dear lord in heaven help us. Now if only I had some watercolors. And some live models for the body paint. Takers anyone?

Overall, life is good.

Looking into My Own Eyes

2006-01-24T00:48:00.000-08:00

I sit behind this mask painted on my face and wonder...
What can you see?
What do you dream?
Are you in my eyes?
Or am I in yours?

The Matchmaking Baby Shower and A Source of Entertainment

2006-01-23T14:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to a bayshower. And It was fucking fun. I mean you have no idea.
I only meant to stayto help Hekate set up. I mean I had gotten two hours of sleep before she woke me up to help with the girls and leave. But I didn't expect the amount of coolness that came from that place and those people.
As soon as I walked in and was introduced they asked me if I was arsty. I said I guess you could say that. And so I was put to work making direction signs for the neighborhood. And they loved them. I even got to do a play on words. Although later we found out that not one person at the party either saw or needed them.
And then there was the people. Awesome couples. Totally in love and comfortable. Jenny and Kevin were the pregnant couple, and Steph and Chuck we adorable. The boys grouped together to talk about gaming and the women to getting the party ready and decorating onesies (Baby clothes). But this did not close the door by any means. There was playful banter, and talk as people got into the grooves. Steph is studying to become a nurse so I told her all about Camp and she asked about my art. Chuck is hilarious and I don't think he could stop cracking joked if he wanted to. Kevin is awesome as is Jenny. They open there arms to you right away, and are going to be absolutely wondeful parents.
As I sat talking to Steph, a rather cute guy, nerdy of course,(what else would I consider cute but the rough looking geek,lol) with glasses and a goatee came in. I happened to ask Steph who he was for name purposes and happened to mention that he was cute. Big mistake.
By the end of the night when everyone had left, I had been "assimalated into the group" which apparently meant that I had to give up all my sercrets. Steph had told Jenny that I thought that this guy was cute. Which then started something that I never thought I would expirence at this age. Match making. I didn't talk to the guy for more than two minutes, I only thought that he was cute. A bit of eye candy at a rather intimadating couples party, you could say.

All I said was that he was cute. I tried to tell them that I wasn't trying to date anyone right now. I tried to tell them that he was to old (which is a lie because I have dated older).

I feel like I am stuck in the 80's and early 90's....Like I might need to go to a bar called 'Swallows' or on a blind date with a guy my best freind met at the watercooler at work.
It's amazing what trouble the words "Who's the cute guy with the goatee?" can do.

Thankfully they eventually gave up and let it be. But at the end of it all, it was the best baby shower I have been to. Set up, Clean up, and Art time were my favorites. When only three couples and me were left (Hekate and Chris, Jenny and Kevin, and Steph and Chuck), something was funny.

I had been of course babbling, as I do. Showing my personality to see in which way it collided with others, and we began talking about me babbling. I tried to explain that although I love to talk and communicate, that it is frequent for me to not complete sentences, sometimes not even past the first word. And Hekate says, "When Paige talks it sounds like "Er... hum... un.. m.. I mean,yeah." And all I had in response was "Er. I mean, um,....Full sentences. Yeah." And we luaghed. And I was happy to be a source of great entertainment and joy.

Choose

2006-01-12T01:22:00.000-08:00

Decisveness in what you feel
creates who you are
choosing each moment
to live or die
blindness or vision
speaking or silent
words of impecability
choice creates your world

Yay crappy poetry.

Wake up....

2006-01-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

I am looking in the mirror
Seeing what I cannot see
Looking for the truth that is inside of me
Where do I lay?
Where do I sleep?
My eyes are fluttering between
It is time to make a choice:
To wake up or not
I must get out of bed.

*January 18th

Woman

2005-12-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

A woman's body is a source of inspiration. It centers the body, and wraps your mind in a fuzzy cloud of clairity.

A woman's body is a cycle like the seasons, ever changing, ever fluxuating....

A womans body is life unfloding like the flowers of a petal.

A woman's body is music. She creates the notes and smooth songs with her movements.

On the womanly body should be places a thousand and one louts petals.

On the womanly body a thousand and one jeweles and glass-beads should hang in the curvacious crevices.
A womans body should be rubbed in oils and scents,
Bathed with milk and honey,
Caressed with eyes, skin and mouths alike.
A woman's body if life unfloding as the petals of a flower.

The womanly body is a sacred form.
We are all these things.
We are love.
We are fullness.
We are movement and change.
We are inspiration and confusion.
We are sacred.
We are women.

A New Term

2005-11-14T12:55:00.000-08:00

I found a new term for myself.

I'm a 'Bright and Shiny'.

I think it applies well.

Just A Big Fucking Ball of Flow

2005-11-14T12:44:00.000-08:00

Fuck-ING Awesome.
Yeah Yeah. Yeah.
I know I haven't posted in a while. I know my assignment from Gaea got a big FAT 'F'. But I should at least get an E for effort.
Yeah.
I tried.
Now I am catching up with the flow. Literally. The last few postings have been froma 'flow' that I wrote last sunday, with intermitten drafts that were not published at the time f writing for whatever reason.

Now, the flows.
I have a thing for it lately.
I flowed with Dane and just let it all come out.
I let the thoughts come out of my hands as though they were my mouth.
Now read you.
And enjoy.

-ME

Flow

2005-11-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

Popping
Into the awarness

Understand the illusion
Every thing to me came so slow as I watch this happen
I see his path is faster
There is no secret to dying
Just keep on flying

The parasite that creates the fear
Self doubt

I want to wake up again
Comedy or tradgey
The illusion is gone
Release the negative it is only an illusion

Dont get hit
Dont get caught
Dont panic

I'm on the right track
with baggage
which is soon to be lost

Learn to relook
All you can do is what you can
Heal when you are there
Waking life

libetous exemus
save us from Bondage

*Written Last Sunday*

Unwanted Guilt

2005-11-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

Guilt for not being able to rememeber
Guilt for not knowing now
Shame for the level of understanding.
I release.

Good Job

2005-11-14T03:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, Androdgonous Reader.
You heard it right.
I updated my Myspace.

Having been on Myspace since December of last year it is a sad thing that I never fully filled out the profile, nor written blogs, nor posted bulitens. But in the past week I have done all three.

Yay Me.

Check it Out.

That's Alot.

2005-11-14T03:36:00.000-08:00

You fit in with:
Spiritualism

Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.

100% spiritual.
80% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Child

2005-11-14T00:17:00.000-08:00

Let it go
Little child
and it let it all come to you

*Written Last Sunday*

Flow Beginning

2005-11-14T00:11:00.000-08:00

I am so high
I hear ther angels sing their song
a 'glorious' refrain the cannnot be 'heard'
A song that to be heard would tear down the walls of the body and expose the soule

Wide eyed and mouthed I sing this song.
Of angels and their wings
The triumph that came
The enternal pain
That they choose to keep
To finish their quest

Angels rose and angels fell
These words are here to stay

What all is there
What do you want from yourself
Not controlled by anyone else
The parasite that is inside you
Set your own goals
And when it comes back only dismiss
leave the parasite behind
love yourslef for what you are to you
dimiss the thoughts of judgment
unlock your doors

Everything is clouded when you look out

conversation in relation to phsyics

trust your self enough to not question
let the parasite go
Let the half truths fade away

Father Time will turn the clock and let your skin fase away
but let the time go with the tides of sand
make the parasite a sybiote

walk the road to yourslef
take the proper tools and be prepared

The basics are important and will aid you on your way
start at the beggining
let the small things overwhelm

no bias on your perspective
let you twist on the portal

Little one go to sleep
Let your body relax
My voice will send you into a land and all will be well
the place you visit is your world of dreams
choose a path little one
and learn as you go
Let the path flow and find your mind follow

Lay it on the table
Let the light go and flow
It doesn't matter if you are understood

Everything is clear when you look in
Look at your self as you are not as others see you

*Written Last Sunday*

Falling Flow

2005-11-13T23:35:00.000-08:00

I feel the need to fall
I need to go and find me
I see the past in clouded imagery and
I want my core
keep it simple and remember that you don't know anything
there is no fear that is not misunderstanding
I am not awake right now

*Written Last Sunday*

O Happy Day.

2005-11-13T19:22:00.000-08:00

O Happy Day.

To Begin.

I wanted to feel beautiful. Not sexy as I am supposed to feel at certain places. Nothing but pure.
So I took off everything. It's amazing what a good soak and cleansing shower can do for you. So out I got refreshed and glowing. I let myslef bask in the sunlight in my realiltivly clean room and played with my rocks.

Finding myslef refreshed and ready to meet the world I headed up to The Bucks and surprised Jill with a completely energized Me. Grabbing my new favorite drink, the Tazo Giant Peach, which tates like the book James and The Giant Peach, I headed out the door.

And then I did a bad thing.

I went to Eastern Bound. I found this place on one of my first weekends in from Camp this summer while takeing a break from the Mech Warrior Tournament that Dallas and Jaya when in. Lina Lee, the beautiful asain woman who owns and runs the place is one of the most cheerful, courtuoes, and best salesperson I have ever run across. She knows what looks good on you and what your style is but still gives you space. This is the palce where I found my matching braclet set. I went in saw them and knew I had to have them, but had to wait until I got paid. COming back in the next weekend, Jaya and I visited, ad we found that a random man had come in and had been able to translate them. Lina told us that the sanskrit writing meant O Mani Padme Hum, which is a mantra of compassion. I also found a kimino set, a phoneix necklace, my hairline fractured crystal, and now two beautiful and elegant kimono tops. I love that store.

I feel great.
I feel recharged.
And I feel.

Music - Ugress

Tearing Off The Blindfold

2005-10-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

There is no one so blind, as those who won't see.

There are so many people that tell you what you should be, that its hard to know what, or more imporatntly who, you want to be.

In Keeping WIth My Promise

2005-10-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

It's not that I haven't been writing lately. I have. Alot. I just haven't been able to post. I work nights now and am very worn out. But I do keep up with my writing. However, until my brain gets used to decompressing after work, and I am able to complete thoughts as well as I was before, I will be breaking from posting, for the most part. However, In keeping with my promise I will be writing everyday, and will post when a bloog is finished.

I will admit that I am very frustrated at myself and my apparent stagnation, but for somoe reason I cannot brush it off right now.

Paige

Slow

2005-09-29T15:34:00.000-07:00

Slowly.
Slowly I move through closed tunnels and open forests.
Slowly I move across the vast ocean and desert.
I go in search of truth.
Slowly I come to a halt.
Lost, with only the compass of my intuitions.
I try and follow myself.

Slowly.

*Crappy poetry means alot.*

Communicating Gone Crazy

2005-09-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

Does it feel to you that I keep reiterating myself lately? I may be. In fact I am quite sure that I am. But bear with me. This is the way that I work. Things will come out more clearly in the end. Sometimes.

The Voice That We Call Self-absorption

2005-09-29T15:23:00.000-07:00

Self- centeredness.

I am self-centered. And I say this in the best possible light that self-centeredness can be held.
It does help me progress because what I feel is very close to my heart. Any emotion that I have I understand greatly. This is why I am able to identify with others so well. The emotions that I have I can understand very well in other people. I find relations with other people to be highly benefitial.

I can translate my need to be emotionally accepted and understood towards others. I find that being able to identify validates my own emotions.

I understand why my teachers now let me take my own path,, It;s because I am made to take the ''hard' path. I dot understand when things are handed to me because I can't emotionally understand until I experience it. I can feel and understand the advice or the lesson emotionally because I can feel to an extent their emotions on it. But I cannot truly understand until I am able to relate that to something else. And right now, in my path, everything is new. I am feeling emotions that I am loathe to feel. I am in a state of blindness am aware of it. Not being able to identify with others and be on their level with them confounds me.

In the end, all and all, this relates to my need to feel and understand so that I may help and heal.
I think.

*Jarbeled, redundant,I know. But this was worth writing.*

More expansions on empathy to come.

Admission

2005-09-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

I need to admit something. Inlieu of completely ignoring my reason for starting this quest, I must admit this. I am angry. I am lost. I feel as though the world were spinning around me, and I am not sure which direction is up.

My question is..."Do you really have to hit rock bottom to be able to go anywhere?" Is that what decoding yourself turns out to be?

I don't want to be lost. This is my greatest fear enveloping me more and more day by day. I am alone in my understanding. I can't speak. I can't move. I am walking completely blind. I so desperately want to reach out and find someone's hand, a voice, disembodied or not. Have left the universe behind and gone into a door where there is no one else? Did I take a wrong turn? Or is this just a place that my 'path' must go through?

I know that this is something that I have to do and choose for myself. No one can do this with me or for me. I have to find my own truths. But I feel like my heart is breaking. In all the sadness I have ever had this is different. Are all people trapped here (or roundabout) at different stages in their advancements. What does it mean that I am stuck here? WHERE THE FUCK AM I? Is this happening so I can release my anger or realize it? Or both? I am angry. I am scared.

** I wouldn't call this a rant, nor would I call this a plea for help. I know that I need to do this on my own and am determined to do so. We all know that 'talking about things, the bouncing of ideas if you will, helps. So this is not an apology, this is a warning. I am going to try not to hold anything back

Yet to be titled

2005-09-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

Beauty is a thing both physical and spiritual. Our eyes like to look at things that are asthetically pleasing, our mind things that are intillectualy stimulating, and our spirits in my opinion are drawn towards light.

Some people that I have encourtered in my life, have called me an amzaing person. They say that I inspire hope in them that they didn't think that they could have again. Some say that I have a beautiful mind, and although naieve and idealistic, that they want to learn from it. Some people have said that I have an 'uncrushed' spirit and that it makes me glow. That my freinds may or may not be true.

I have felt in the past that I all I have to give in return for the knowledge that I gain from others, is some form of hope. Whether it be that there is still innocnece and good in the world, or that people are still capable of listening. I strive to give it. And if that is what makes me beautifull I am grateful for that.

But as of late, I know that I have been so caught up in my own thoughts, I feel as though I have forgotten to spread my hope and joy. I have become so frantically absorbed with assimilating knowlegde so that I can formulate my own opions and iunderstand the multiverse that I feel I have been giving nothing back. I can't qualm the feeling that I am losing myself in all this knowledge.

Is the multiverse crushing me?
Are my sprite-full ways to disappear as I learn? And if so where will my beauty lie then? What will I give back? Is this a friggin test? (Of course it is)

Right now, I am just confused. I don't know whether I have what I used to anymore. I don't know if I still have that beauty. I would guess that if one doesn't feel it anymore that htey don't. But I can't believe that. I was meant to be unspoilt. I was meant to have those instincts....I was meant to do something with them. I retained them through thick and thin and they sustained me as a child and while I was getting older.

Perceptions of me

2005-09-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

Do not think of me
the way that I seem to be
You aren't in here with me
You do not share my insanity
you cannot know
you cannot see
what goes on inside of me

Don't you think that just because lately I don't talk that I am not taking it all in. On the contary, my minds verbal isolation has been aiding me in 'progression'. THe relative silience that I have bestowed upon myslef has opened up my ears.

Sun and moon

2005-09-27T06:11:00.000-07:00

It's morning again.
The night has faded away.
The energy is differnt now.
As if something was lost in the translations betteweem the sun and the moon.
It's time for you to go now said the sun.
And the moon resisted.

*Non-sensical poetry = bad poetry*

Quirksqueesnort

2005-09-26T04:10:00.000-07:00

Quirksqueesnort - n. A noise that I make when I am laughing.
The originator of points by PJ.
-(You get points for making me make the noise)
This is what I do. You will see me barely able to breathe...and then the quirk comes. There will be a little tiny wheezing of air, and then... I snort. Sometimes repeatedly.

This is a quirk of mine. Quirks are:
Quirk - n. A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy: “Every man had his own quirks and twists” (Harriet Beecher Stowe).
1. An unpredictable or unaccountable act or event; a vagary: a quirk of fate.
2. A sudden sharp turn or twist.
3. An equivocation; a quibble.

Urban Dictionary says:
1.- A characteristic that makes one special. Someone with a lot of quirks might be considered fucked up.

And my favorite by Urban Dictionary:

2. n. A dry orgasm.

So I decided to make a blog that exemplified my quirks. Essentialy a waste of time that I don't have but something about being asked questions helps me think. So, this blog will contain nostly quizzes and surveys...silly things with no point that make me laugh and think at the same time. Quirks.

I talk to myself.

2005-09-26T03:38:00.000-07:00

I have been posting quite bit lately. Exceeding my expectations for my assginment by leaps and bounds. Quite proud of myself, if I do says so myself. And I do. It doesn't matter if it is hard to keep up with, you'll get to reading it. But for me it is threapy. And It's working.

In the words of Jaya, "I think it's good for everyone to have an ongoing verbal relationship with themselves.."

Yay me.

Blind

2005-09-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that my hope, the thing the I cling to and cherish the most, abondons me.

It's not that I ever feel completely hopeless. That's not it... I just.

Well, let me explain.

When I light up, that is my hope. When you can see the serenity behind my eyes and feel the warmth that I create...that is my hope. It covers me and keeps me centered. It has a childlike quality to it that I wish to never loose. It doesn't keep me safe in the protected sense....it envelops me as I walk my path. It makes the way ahead shine. Wherever I find hope, I go.

When I can feel it no more, it is becasue something is clouding my way. And then I must feel my way blindly.

I don't want to be blind.

Blindness for me is the inability to communicate. When I cannot shine onto other people with my emotions, I feel scared.

I am scared that no one will understand me. Without my emotions, I cannot speak. I cannot communicate.

The more I walk this path...I can see that I can. This is my challenge.

To be able to walk.

I will always keep my hope..It is not something that I want to loose...but I need to be able to find it in the dark.

And this is how I will do it. By wrting. By speaking. Clairty in my thoughts will come as I work on it. But I have to be able to speak. SO no matter how gibberish I sound (or think I do) I will post. I will speak. I will think.

Music - Loreena Mekennit - Skellig

Youth Going Down The Hill?

2005-09-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

Urban Dictionary defines 'hanging out' as:
1. Hanging Out - to socialize with your friends, whether it is of your choosing or not; most of the time the term is used to refer to a type of fun.

These people are eccentric nut cases.
I don't know about you guy's, but I have been 'hanging out' with friends for a good deal of my youth. O, I don't know. I guess you could call even playing with other kids in kindergarten 'hanging out'. I personally like hanging out because you have a lot of options as to what the act of 'hanging out' involves. You can sit around on your asses and shoot the shit, play computer games, watch other people play computer games, watch movies, read books (although I think that this one may be a bit of a rarity), learn new languages, and debate. If you wanted to go for a younger approach to hanging out you could go skateboarding, biking, gaming, computers, homework, talk about sex, watch movies, walk around the mall, and do damage to personal property (this one is what seems to give teenagers a bad name, I wonder why). If you wanted to go with a more sophisticated approach you could sit around on laptops, go dancing, play dominoes or other games, and talk.

But it seems that all that development of social skills, the potential for sharing and furthering concepts, making adolescents feel that it is possible for them to fit in instead of feeling completely alone, is detrimental to everyone. Kids needs to spend all their time working on homework and other such things so that they can get into a good college, so that they can get a good job, so that they can have kids that go to a good school and do the same thing.

I am not at all sorry to say that I disagree.

I do see that kids (adolescents especially) need some guidance and structure, but they need time to grow on their own. And it may be in the eye of the people now that all teenagers are bad little stupid punks. I don't deny that a lot of them are...but I am seeing more and more fourteen year olds (although camp seems to have a different caliber of teens than most places) that are not only trying to be different and intelligent, but have great potential.

So there.

Pure

2005-09-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

I have at this moment a great desparartion. A panging feeling inside my chest. I feel as though I will never be free I can never go back to those feelings of pure hope and joy in the simple things. Things have become so complicated but not. This is a journey that I so desperately want to take even if I have to wait to take steps sometimes. I want to make this journey...I want to make this journey. I have waited too long to not be able to do it for fear and lack of confidence and I will not allow those petty things to prevail. It makes me angry and terrified that my path is a slow one...But at the same time I realize that it may be better that way.

This is my charge at the moment. To learn the patience with myself...I think this impatience may even stem from greed. It only makes since right...wanting and feeling the need to know things and progress so that I can see...It like a little child... Is that something that I should keep but just in a different form...

*NOTE
I am posting this as it purely came out, because it is just a string of pure thought process. I don't neccarily need to share or expect anyone to understand exactly..But I am posting it anyway

I'll Love You For Always...I'll Like You Forever...As Long As I'm Living My Daddy You'll Be

2005-09-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

This is my biological family.

The wonders here in are absolutely weird...And not that good weird.
I realized this as I came back to the Smith house.

First thing that my mother and sister do when we get back from eating is clamber excitedly into my parents bedroom where my father and I have been discuss what is going on in Austin. Both of them clutch their palm pilots importantly and beg us to watch as they perform new found magical trick with them. My mom calls up my uncles name phone number and other vitals from her list and shows us her screen encouraging my sister, Meghan to do the same thing. And then after my mom presses a button it beeps. The information in a magical spectacle has now transferred it self from my mothers palm pilot to my sisters. They tell me to get in between the two receptors of the pilots so that the information will pass through me. I have to decline.

That is my family.

Already since I have gotten home and have been typing this up my mothers has fallen back into the old habit of calling upon me every five minutes, making it quite impossible to ignore through my head phones.

I, in a newfound perspective, find this all unbelievably hilarious. Despite the fact that as soon as I got in the Tahoe with my mother I received the fist pang of an entirely unexpected migraine, I have been having a most amusing time. Cracking jokes that my mother is at least attempting to understand, amusing my self with noises, and attempting not to revert into my books has been quite interesting. My father and sister came to meet us at EZ's pizza,most definitely the closest thing that San Antonio can get to Kerby Lane in my opinion, a burger joint with a cocky menu and good fresh made food. I pointed out how often we used to go there a get a Fudge mountain madness at the end of the meal. Just let me explain the Fudge Mountain Madness. Start yourself out with a colossal fudge brownie that is wither hot out of the oven or very fresh and heated, add several giant scoops of vanilla ice cream, a tier of real whipped cream, thick gooey hot fudge, and five or six cherries. Add four spoons and you have a feast. O, my, how I missed those days I said. Apparently I had made my father nostalgic for the days when we had been young and were all giggles over a pile of chocolate (which for those of you who know my is still quite true...never give PJ chocolate unless you want interesting times of snorting laughter, tons of blushes, and someone who will most likely start wither bouncing of the walls or sitting bouncily on every person's lap.), because after dinner my father ignoring to my mother's protests got up to go and get some desert. I played my part in the scheme, excusing myself to go and attempt to stop him. Alas, even though I told him that was had voted him out, he was bent on getting one. But as he is not a female I thought that I would give him some aid in his choice between a Banana Split and the Fudge Mountain Madness. I told him that he was with three women and asked him to consider which women like more...that tipped his decision quite nicely.

I love my father more than I could express any to any of you. Those who I have told about him understand what a great man he is and want to meet him. The Diamond Age or A Young Ladies Illustrated Primer, a book recently given to me by Jaya, has made me almost fully realize to what extent my father loves me. And I tell you now...that you will never find another father quite like mine. He knows and trusts my mind. He has faith in me for what ever it is that I want to do, but if necessary can offer an objective opinion. He will drop anything for me and run to my rescue. He will do anything a normal father does, but more and in a way that caters to my needs and personality. And quite unlike his own father, will tell us that he loves us any chance that he gets. If you have never heard me talk to him on the phone before, then one day I hope that you do. We have a little routine. A quiz my daddy calls it.
Daddy: Who loves you?
Me: You do.
Daddy: How much?
Me: Bec-a-bunches.
Daddy: For how long?
Me: Forever.
Daddy: How often?
Me: Always.
Daddy: How does it make you feel?
Me: Great.

That's my daddy.

Music- In Trouble With Mom Playlist
-Mother, Mother
-Teardrop Â Massive Attack

I can read.

2005-09-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

I'm supopsed to go and pick Jaya up at the airport.

I get there thrity minutes early just to make sure that I will be driving by as he gets out. I drive by three times. It's ten minutes after 5. No Jaya. I go park. Go inside and look at the flight schedules. I can't remember whether he gave me his intereary or not. I call Billy to go look at my email since I cannot.

No interary.

We read throguh the email twice to make sure. Waiting in and outside of the lower (remember that) passenger pick up area. I start to get worried. But I rationalize that he would have called had he missed his flight. It's almost three hours later and Mephie calls saying that Jaya just walked into Mojo's. I drive over. Looking for the bag of course all I see when I walk up is a gaint suitcase and a guy in white.

O, lordy..the guy in white is Jaya. He was on the UPPER level of the airport passenger pick up the enitre time.

Read it thuroughly, Paije. Read it thouroughly.

Oh look butterfly.

An Assignment From A Freind

2005-09-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

Gaea has given me an assignment....

I guess that it was quite needed. Is. Is quite needed. I know.

We were sitting at Borders, a frequent stop for Jaya, Gaea, and I (in different combinations), and Jaya and Gaea had been troubleshooting and reminiscing some of Gaea's new blog attributes and posts. Today I went on a blogging spree (WHEEEEEEEeee), and had asked Gaea to read them after they were done. When it came down to it...I did like I always do when I am present when someone reads my stuff...I get nervous and self-conscious (to a certain degree)...And asked to read it along with her for my own solace of mind. And that wasn't going to work. So...Walking out Gaea gave me the assignment. I am to blog everyday. EVERYDAY. For one month. Aiiie. Aieee. (As the french would say.)

So expect it. One at least from 12:00Am to 11:59Pm everyday. Bejeepes.

I might go nuts.

A Gem Inside...Or something like it....

2005-09-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

Through certain inspirations I have decided to find the things in and around me that make me truly happy. That kind of happy that I know 'you' can see in my eyes. The one that makes me radiate, and feel the need to spin. These 'things' are not objects, but the things I feel...the simplicities in life. I am going to strive to write them in their purest form so this blog might take a bit of editing over time.

First...My great love is to share my emotions. To communicate and have understanding between people. I think that even though I sometimes unwantingly (and of course at times 'wantingly') share the negative emotions, I still find the solace inn communication that comes with it to be reassuring. This is one thing that I know that I love about myself. My ability to communicate things through my eyes. Any emotion, whatever it may be comes through. I love that. Because I feel that I have a hard time truly communicating with words*, I find solace in the fact that 'you' can find it in my eyes.

I love to make people laugh....And my favorite way is not in the most conventional. Sure, I use sarcasm (not very well) and the occasional inside joke...But my favorite way is something totally silly, the way I make 'my' kids** laugh. The absolutely silly things I do to make a person laugh 'till their sides split. Not a whole lot of people get to experience this, because I mostly reserve it for Camp...But sometimes it comes out in the form of neruorsis or just complete insanity. I love that I will go most any distance for certain people, just to see that. *Looks up creating the atmosphere of a CAMP carnival (I did this link all by myself - BE PROUD!)*

I love that I have such a need to learn. I feel that this need should and WILL (and I feel slowly is) progress(ing) into something more than just knowledge. I know that at times I feel overwhelmed with it all, but I KNOW that I am young and...(sings in a rather off key voice)"Tiiiiiiime is on my side...Yes it iiiiiiiiiis...". This means that I am always welcome to any information or insight that you have and will be glad to give you some back, as well as any formulating views that I may have. So...BRING IT ON BABY!

*Those of you who know me are aware that at times when I am at a loss of feel that I can't/won't be able to communicate effectively I use a certain term...."Words."

**Soon there will be a section on 'my kids'....I am not a mother...I just have about 500 kids.

Music - Rock Around The Clock

Fears are educated into us. And, If you wish can be educated out. - Karl Meninger

Slacker

2005-09-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

I am a slacker.
Sort of.
It's not that I don't have plenty of things to write about nor is it that I just don't want to write as of late. Most of the writing that I have been doing is completely in my head, as I seem not to be able to satisfy myself with what I have to say. Sometimes it all just seems entirely pointless to write about it, because I still have a lot of self-conscienceness when it comes to communication like this. This is something that I WILL force myself to get over, but I am going to need ya'lls (Jeepers, I am from Texas) help. I need you to not only let me bounce ideas off and hopefully around your pretty little skulls, I need you to just say something...Anything...That you can think of to me...And this only is asking a bit of your time...So I hope that it is possible.

On that note. I will be getting to posting pertinant stuff...Although I want to think that most of the stuff that I have up here is pretty decent for the first real blog I have posted more than a few thoughts and tons of quizzes in. Yeah... I think I'll just think that.

Until then.
Or now.
When I write.

Paije-PJ-The PeeJ-PunkyJinkster-PlainJane=ME

Behind My Eyes

2005-09-20T07:11:00.000-07:00

I cannot explain what it is that I see.
I see things quite differently.
Sometimes I think that I see through space or time.
Sometimes I just see lines.
I always see balls or flashes of light,
or things that don't seem to be there.
I have tried to explain it so many times,
but I mostly get back questioning stares.

The way that I am trying to explain it now is like looking at the negatives of a photograph or what you see when you close your eyes except it different variants of light. I cannot tell you what it is or why I see things this way for that matter. But I can tell you that it has helped me notice things or feel safe when I am alone...That kind of very alone...And needed someone there. Maybe I am crazy, and it is entirely a figment of my imagination/psyche making me feel safer in this world, but I don't believe that.....

And maybe I am not that kind of crazy that society likes to classify people as....Well not the bad kind....Maybe I am just a different kind of person who has a different view than other people and happens to be a bit more open than the majority of people, (I think that I may be begging to sound haughty and snobbish..O Goodness tell me if I am) and I believe that to be the case.

I don't need to justify this.

This is what I think.

This is what I see.

Time for Vanity

2005-09-08T17:58:00.000-07:00

Oh, lOrdy.

I can't stop looking in the mirror. I'm even typing without looking!

Don't worry guys...It's just me being silly.
I promise that just because I have now plastered my picture onto a rating sit on the net, that I won't grow any more vain than I already am....cross my heart.

But IF you felt like it... you could stop by and rate me....it is anonymous.

http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=ERNQHQO&key=LM

Music- Stargate SG-1 - Avalon Part 1 and 2

Test

2005-08-24T18:09:00.000-07:00

The Infamous test. The results are different than my first try, but those results were lost. Oh well. This of course will be re-taken from time to time.

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.

Buddhism

83%

agnosticism

75%

Paganism

71%

Islam

63%

Satanism

54%

Judaism

50%

Hinduism

46%

Christianity

42%

atheism

21%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Breaking the Rules

2005-08-24T15:02:00.000-07:00

So.... I guess I just tried to kill myself. Always trying to break the rules set down.
There are only two of them. TWO. And me, I still guess that I have a need to break them.
Rule #1: DON'T get run over by a car. ( This includes all high velocity objects.)
Rule #2: Don't get locked up. (Insane asylums, Jail, etc.)

So Since you have to go numerically, I started with number one.

Just now Kan, Lotus, and I crossed the street to make a trip to Half Price Books, the resident wonderful second hand book store. I went to specifically find Ishmael by Daniel Quinn, because although I am reading as many as 3 books right now, I want to be ready for when the plate is empty. After looking furiously, I did not find it and decided to open my notebook to the list that I have been compiling. I go and knock off Mephies Birthday present, a poster book of H.R. Giegers art work. Some beautifully twisted visual concepts. Then I knock four more books off. The Alchemist (Of which I have been reading every time I go to borders) by Coelho, Utopia by Thomas More, The Prince by Nicolo Machiavelli, and The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff. Happy and satisfied that I will be full for the rest of the month with books, we leave and begin to walk back across the street to The Bucks. At the last lane we have to run for it, as there is a giant DUMP truck coming our way. And Jaya is Bad and apparently intent on killing me.

And then it happens.
My bag breaks.
And All I can think is. Don't let it run over the books. Don't let it destroy them.

And so I run back in front of the truck, not really sure as to whether its going to stop or not. I don't care. I pick up the books and scramble out of the way, waving a thank you to the driver for putting on his breaks.

And then it was back to the bucks, clutching my books.

Music - My Insane Laughter

This is Me Minus the Rouge.

2005-08-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

Equations and thoughts for the Breaking Of Me

2005-08-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

I scream to the world what I am trying to do. To achieve. To change.

I scream from the mountains at the top of my lungs, but people just don't seem to understand or see the change.

If you could have only been there before you could see how far I have come.
In Time, When I look back I will realize how far I really had to go.

Now, I know that some of me resists, and I have to make that change. I need to be constructive about it.

So. Here it is.

My Constructivesness.
My Slow Resolution.
My Change.

::::::

Need for Acceptance
-To be understood
- To be loved
- To Save

Need To Save
- Superhero Complex

Patience
-With my mistakes
-With my complete failures
-With my shortcomings
-Ability to understand other people
-
-Other peoples ability to understand me

Maturity
-How do I keep everything round?
-The parts of me that are naturally me
-(Are all the natural parts okay to keep?)
{Self-Destructiveness}
-How do I eliminate the nasties?
-Coding
{Society, Family, Religon, Sex, Etc.}
-Self-Doubt
-Focus problems

Sex
- Do I tie that completely with love/intimacy?
[No. I know that I don't because I register that there is a different kind of intimacy, one that is even more sacred to me, and feels better. This means that there is room to progress and the first step is being "okay" with myself. (Just like all the others. It all leads back to that.)]

Goals
-Focus on them.
-Meet them.
-Strive.

I feel as though I should apologize for how silly this sounds, for how absurd my jabberings may be. I know that this makes little sense to anyone but me, and it would be hard for people to see how I have changed so far.
...
But I am not going to.
That is the first step.

Music:Fast As You Can - Fiona Apple
Edge Of Seventeen - Fleetwood Mac
As Serious As Your Life (RJD2 Mix) -Four Tet - HF Mob God
My Angel Rocks Back And Forth - Four Tet - The Unending, Undying, & Often
Unforgiving Pursuit of Spring

Here. Home.

2005-08-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

The paperwork is done. I've initialed and John Hancocked. I've filled and unfilled my car more than three times. It's Offical.

I've migrated to Austin.

No. Not MOVED. Migrated.
I say migrated because I've been slowly moving closer and closer to get here.
I stared luckily not too very far from this loverly city, in the box of San Antonio. When I first got the chance to peek out of my box, I found my self in San Marcos. A stone's throw away from here. Not two weeks into college I was up here almost every day. This went on through the semester until by the spring I was in Austin almost every night, then waking up for morning classes, and leaving to come back to this gem of a place. During my summer between weeks at camp, I began to stay weekends. Fully. And then a full week. And then sadly Camp was over. But there was no reason to cry. Yes, I would be leaving my home, (My place where I feel as though I can do anything. I can nourish that wonderful need in me to cure, care, and help.) but I would be coming here. TO this place where I AM free. I may still be in the box of sheltering that I grew up in, but now it is as thin a as a paper bag, and I am breaking free. Free I tell you.

FREE.

F R E E .

I am free to listen, to learn, to think. To feel. To fucking feel. My emotions are not controlled by what they need to be.

The odd thing is that now that I am free to feel them, I don't need alot of them anymore. Or I'm learning not to.

Hold on to my hand.

I'll take you flying with me.

Music - Everyboday's Free ( To Wear Sunscreen) - Baz Lurhman

A Point Of Semi-Origin

2005-07-15T17:29:00.000-07:00

All righty then...
SO.
First Post...It's supposed to be all big and happy and tell you all about my little jolly and mischievous fae self.

So.
Not gonna happen.
In regards to that you can just eat my toes.
No really.
*Wiggles toes*

This is a new place for me to be started so near a day of Chaos, that Chaos seeps out of the seems of probable futures and into the fucking present.
Yay Chaos.

I take things as they come or at least I try to. Today I took the catapulting car that was thrown towards me at full throttle and twirled it on my pinky.

Yuck it up, Furball.